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Q: The boyfriend I met online still looks at dating sites — should I confront him? Don't be duped into thinking that online dating is some kind of free-for-all, where normal rules of courtesy don't apply.
Just because you met online, it shouldn't mean that anything goes and that he is entitled to surf for other girls while cooing sweet nothings to you down the phone.
Women in particular "want to make a decision quickly and cut their losses, because they have learned life is too short for dating games.” Keep in mind, women typically live longer than men, which adds a certain emphasis to life being "too short" that younger daters may not think about.
This research from Bowling Green State follows two relevant studies: One, a survey of singles from Match.com, found that older people were more orgasmic than younger daters, if more selective about what they were seeking.
As the researchers explained, "the desire to find love and a companion to share life with has no expiration date." And notably, the older an online dater is, the more likely he or she is to focus on "honest self-representation and being compatible" as opposed to bragging about looks, status, or sexual prowess.
With age, perhaps, we finally stop fooling around and get to the point.
I asked my dad about this experience, and here’s how he described it: he told his parents he was ready to get married, so his family arranged meetings with three neighboring families. That’s how my dad decided on the person with whom he was going to spend the rest of his life.
I am perpetually indecisive about even the most mundane things, and I couldn’t imagine navigating such a huge life decision so quickly. Happily so—and probably more so than most people I know who had nonarranged marriages.
While some accept these nuances as “just the way it is,” others lament for a simpler time when dates, love letters and actually knowing where you stand were the norm.
If you had caught him out behaving as if he's single offline — taking another woman out to dinner, ferociously chatting people up in bars or exchanging suggestive text messages — it would be clear that your relationship isn't going to go very far. What he is telling you by continuing to look online is that he is not serious about you and doesn't care if you find this out.
So you can confront him if you want, but you should think realistically about how the conversation is going to go. "I kind of like you but I still want to know what's out there"? And why would you want to be with someone who feels like that?
The first girl, he said, was “a little too tall,” and the second girl was “a little too short.” Then he met my mom. Let’s look at how I do things, maybe with a slightly less important decision, like the time I had to pick where to eat dinner in Seattle when I was on tour last year.
He quickly deduced that she was the appropriate height (finally! First I texted four friends who travel and eat out a lot and whose judgment I trust. Finally I made my selection: Il Corvo, an Italian place that sounded amazing. (It only served lunch.) At that point I had run out of time because I had a show to do, so I ended up making a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich on the bus.